Loving a man or woman from another culture or religion is becoming increasingly common. But does that make it more difficult? What if it's more a question of striking a subtle balance between accepting differences and asserting one's identity?
He/she ‘talks too loudly, I feel attacked’, ‘doesn't reveal his/her feelings’, ‘is too direct, lacks nuance’, ‘doesn't talk about anything to do with the relationship’, ‘is always late’, ‘has an intrusive family’, ‘never shows me affection in public’, ‘doesn't have the same values as me’...
Complexity within the intercultural couple…
Our culture shapes the way we perceive the world, influencing our thoughts, our behaviour and the way we communicate with others.
In a mixed couple[1], each person is confronted with his or her own identity and sense of belonging. Everyone brings their own culture, history, values and beliefs, social norms, traditions and religion to the relationship. These elements inevitably have an impact on the way we enter into relationships. They can be a source of incomprehension, embarrassment, annoyance, disillusionment, or even a feeling of not being loved, of not meeting the other person's expectations.
Cultural differences can, for example, have an impact on the way in which social relationships, friendships, the place of each person's work, the education of children, the relationship with money, in-laws, etc. are approached.
In some cultures,
The individual takes precedence over the collective and vice versa, leading to discrepancies in the place of the couple in relation to the extended family, expected social roles, family loyalties and the place of children,
The way you show your emotions differs: should you hide them or let them show?
Whether or not people are used to and free to discuss more or less intimate and engaging subjects: their view of the couple, sexuality, politics, religion, etc.
Verbal communication can be perceived in different ways: the choice of words (direct or more subtle, explicit or implicit messages), tone (perceived as more or less aggressive), speed, intonation, silences,
Non-verbal communication can be interpreted differently: the gaze, facial expressions (friendly or cold), body attitudes, the need for vital space (the distance between people can be interpreted as invasion or distance),
The relationship with time can vary: being on time or systematically late (polite for some, disrespectful for others).
… not always easy to live with on a daily basis...
Certain life events can crystallise differences and give rise to unsuspected difficulties:
Families may be more or less open about welcoming newcomers, out of fear of the unknown and of being different.
The arrival of a child can highlight cultural differences and complicate choices: what education, religion or tradition should be passed on?
The emergence of misunderstandings and conflicts within the couple will exacerbate the differences and point the finger at them to justify blockages. Paradoxically, it is often the uniqueness of each person that is the source of attraction[2].
The couple : the union of two strangers
But aren't all couples mixed? Because if they're not foreign by origin, aren't others always strangers, with different references and value scales?
For psychoanalyst Fabienne Kraemer, ‘Being in a couple means making room for the other person in your most intimate space. The other is always a stranger’. For the specialist, however, mixed couples have one big advantage: ‘they are already aware of each other's differences and can work even harder on their capacity for tolerance’.
Building your own "marital culture" to turn differences into strengths
The challenge lies in building a new ‘marital culture’ from the two distinct cultures.
How can this be done?
By opening up to otherness: making room for the other's culture, being curious to understand it, savouring it, getting involved to discover its richness, etc.
By developing a deeper understanding of the person you love,
Through open and constructive dialogue, give yourself the freedom to choose to adopt part of the other person's culture and to mix it with your own, striking the right balance without imposing anything.
So, are you ready to work together, find creative solutions that respect each other's differences, and create a world map for YOUR couple? It's a great challenge, full of surprises and wonder.
[1] In sociological terms, a mixed couple is defined by the fact that they do not share the same religion, ethnicity, social class or age group. According to the Institut national d'études démographiques, there is only one criterion for mixed marriages: one of the spouses must be French and the other foreign.
[2] The founding myth of the couple (Robert Neuburger): the conscious or unconscious choices and collusions that motivated people to form a couple
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