“It's not like it was, we blame each other all the time, we don't understand each other anymore, I'm part of the walls, we don't touch each other anymore, we don't have anything to say or share, I'm bored, I no longer want to come home in the evening, we no longer have plans in common, we no longer respect each other, I have no desire, no more attraction, there's no trust between us, everything revolves around the children, we live like roommates…” Sounds familiar? Then perhaps you're going through a relationship crisis.
In married life, crises are inevitable. But contrary to popular belief, they are not necessarily synonymous with a break-up. They can even be fruitful, providing opportunities to bounce back and reinvent yourself. As long as you give yourself the time, agree to listen to yourself to understand yourself, and why not, get help from appropriate support.
A founding myth for every couple …
A couple exists as soon as it thinks of itself as a couple[1], has a common project and wants to be a couple for the long term. It is made up of the two people and the psychic entity of the couple, hence the expression 1 and 1 make three.
But each individual arrives with their own representation of the couple and their own ideals linked to their childhood history and their family of origin. Building a couple therefore means pooling these representations and transforming them to build a common representation of the couple around a common project.
In a way, the founding myth will be the way in which the couple will function, with its initial pact. This pact may be based on conscious reasons (attraction, love, the desire to start a family, etc.) or unconscious reasons, known as collusion (secret agreements based on unresolved common unconscious wounds and conflicts - "the other will fix me"). Collusion is the illusion of having found the ideal complementary partner who will be the ideal therapist[2].
…which can be undermined by life's events and no longer protect the couple…
The course of life and external events can disrupt and call into question the couple's initial organisation. Repressed elements may emerge when a particular event occurs, such as a desired or unwanted pregnancy, the arrival of a child, illness, infidelity, bereavement... But also a move, a professional change, burnout, infidelity, personal dissatisfaction...
This triggering event will cause one or both members of the couple to change... the balance and the bond are called into question. Disillusionment sets in. The initial collusion no longer exists, the initial pact no longer holds the couple together, and there is a crisis. Sometimes we even reproach the other for what we had chosen them for.
…who, with the help of a couples and family counsellor….
It's time to sit down and think about what's going on in your relationship. The help of a facilitating third party can be useful in helping you to see things more clearly, to take a step aside, to find meaning, to look at a situation differently.
The couples and family counsellor will help you by
Acting as a container for your couple, providing a protective framework to facilitate talking
Focusing on how you form your couple, your founding myth,
Helping you to listen to each other by putting each of you in the other's place, in circular, non-linear communication, to stop the escalation of blame,
The other person doesn't have to be wrong for us to be right - Mony Elkaïm
Helping you to recognise the symptoms of the crisis: how long has the situation been deteriorating, was there a trigger?
Helping each of you to identify your emotions, feelings and frustrations,
Enabling you to express your needs and expectations,
By making you realise that the couple can't do everything; everyone exists outside the couple and may want or need to do some personal work,
Helping you make sense of this crisis.
… may either separate….
If the couple cannot overcome what is blocking them, because the gap is too great, the suffering is too great or or that it no longer makes sense to stay together, then the couple's bond may break, leading to separation. This is the psychological death of the couple, but perhaps the ability to create a new one elsewhere.
…or reinventing ourselves to overcome the crisis….
The couple can also look forward to overcoming the crisis by transforming the relationship, accepting new collusions and constantly reorganising. The couple revitalises and reinvents itself. A couple in good health is not a couple without problems, but one that is creative enough to find its own solutions [3].
… so why not choose to look after your relationship ?
As you will have realised, listening to each other and feeling heard can help to re-establish dialogue, untangle knots, mature a decision, transform a difficulty into an opportunity to bounce back, and put an end to relationship pain.
[1] Dupré Latour, M. (2015). Les crises du couple. Eres
[2] Hefez, S. (2019). La danse du couple. Pluriel
[3] Neuburger, R (2017). « On arrête ?...on continue ? ». PayotPsy
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