When addiction enters a relationship

Whether behavioral or linked to substance consumption, addiction can be the cause of tension in a couple, or even lead to a desire to separate.

How can support from a Marriage and Family Counselor be useful?

 

A pathology…

Addiction is characterized by the total impossibility of controlling a behaviour (gambling, screens, sex, consumption of pornographic content, etc.) or substance consumption (alcohol, drugs, etc.) despite the negative consequences that this entails.

These compulsive consumptions respond to internal and external stimulations, they generate temporary pleasure in order to soothe inner malaise. The brain's reward circuit is disrupted.

Contrary to what some people think, it's not just a question of willpower. From a scientific and medical point of view, addiction is a brain pathology that affects millions of French people, from which it is very difficult to extricate oneself without outside help. It is often an unconscious way of fleeing discomfort linked to unresolved personal obstacles. Someone who has an addiction is often someone who suffers.

…which impacts the person concerned…

Dependence gradually disrupts all dimensions of the dependent person's life: the mind, emotions, physical health, self-esteem, sexuality, relationships, finances, work, etc.

…her entourage…

But addiction also has a strong social impact, causing tensions and ruptures in friendships, work and family.

In the case of alcohol addiction, for example, the entire family organization revolves around the drinker's alcoholic behavior. A sort of codependency sets in, causing family members to adapt to the difficulties that invade every aspect of their lives, to the detriment of their own self-fulfilment.

…her couple…

In particular, it has a negative impact on couples's life.

In the case, for example, of sex addiction, the consumption of pornographic content by one of the partners often leads to a reduction in trust in the relationship as well as endangering the sexuality of the couple when virtual sex becomes a brake on the couple's sexuality. The abandoned spouse may experience a drop in self-esteem, guilt, an increase in loneliness, a feeling of being objectified... the origin of many couple tensions. Addiction becomes suffocating, it takes precedence over the relationship and love.

…an exhausted spouse…

In supporting couples where one suffers from an addiction, I observe that very often, when they come to see me, it is because the partner is at the end of their rope. He no longer trusts his addicted partner after these multiple attempts to help him fight the addiction.

For example, he will have put in place controls and barrier systems to limit access to the threatening substance or activity. He will have suggested to the addicted partner to get help from a professional, he will sometimes even accompany him in this process.

But after a certain time, the spouse will expect a positive result, that the addict will take control of his or her life. Even though he may notice an improvement, the spouse is not always ready to face the inevitable relapses which are inherent to this pathology.

Relapses are indeed very common, to the extent that addiction hides deep discomfort and a deficit in emotional regulation.

… tensions in the couple which lead him to consult a Marriage and Family Counselor, specialist in the relationship…

The Marriage and Family Counselor will:

• listen to them both unconditionally and without judgment, congratulate them for coming, the process is not an easy one,

• have everyone's request expressed, what do they expect from this support?

• focus on the relationship between the couple

• invite them to talk about how addiction hurts the couple's bond, and each of them,

• help them name their feelings, their emotions, their needs

It will facilitate dialogue, try to unravel knots, bring out the couple's own resources.

On the side of the addicted partner:

• Tell the story of addiction (how it started, what role it plays today, etc.)

• Identify the everyday life triggers (boredom, an argument, a location, seeing an advertisement, etc.)

• Get the couple to think about the consequences of this addiction for each of them as well as for the couple's bond (loss of self-esteem, tensions in the couple, difficulty in being in contact, sexual disorders of desire and pleasure, shame, irritability, withdrawal into oneself, no more taste for anything, difficulty concentrating, distance from reality, etc.)

• Projecting into a life without addiction, with its good sides: what would it be like if?

• If possible, bring out the obstacles that the person is fleeing (e.g.: relational difficulties, trauma, childhood injury, feelings of emotional insecurity, fear of others, etc.)

• Suggest getting help from a specialist in addictive pathologies who can help them carry out this inner work, and support them in setting achievable goals (e.g.: reconnecting with their body to control addictive desires, welcoming their emotions instead of repressing them…)

On the side of the supporting spouse

• Help him realize that it is a pathology with its ups and downs, its joys and its sorrows, its victories and its relapses

• Help him to realize that he is not the Savior, it is up to the person concerned to decide to take charge and get help

• Relieving him of guilt in the face of relapses, the is not to blame

• If necessary, invite him not to infantilize the other person by controlling his every move

• Remind him that the couple is not made up of two enemies but of two partners who support each other

…which will also direct them towards addiction professionals.

If the addicted person wishes and decides, the Marriage and Family Advisor will refer them to specialists who can support this desire to escape addiction. Whether in hospitals, in associations, or with specialized therapists, specific help solutions and support groups exist. It is possible to overcome an addiction, the path is not simple but it is there, adapted to each individual.

What if our obstacles were our paths?